Chapter 2
As DL notes our tendency to identify ourselves through what distinguishes us or makes us different from others, he challenges and calls us to learn to identify ourselves through what we share, our common human characteristics. More specifically, he notes that we all have a body, a natural capacity for empathy, and a deep and fundamental equality. On the final page of this chapter he writes, “The time has come to start thinking and acting on the basis of an identity that is rooted in the phrase ‘we human beings.’”
Have you thought seriously lately about how you identify yourself? Are you willing and ready to re-identify yourself in the way DL advocates? What is the cost of such a re-identification? What grates against us re-identifying ourselves in this way? (Comment!)
What do you most want to discuss from Chapter 2? (Comment!)
Thruout this chapter he talks about the basic human characteristics of seeking happiness and avoiding suffering that make us equal. He elaborates how other animals have the same instincts. I do not see how he comes to a "natural feeling of closeness" with humans who are complete strangers by relating to them simply as humans with these same basic needs (agree with the needs, too simplistic tho) unless he also includes what he terms our mental complexity (reason and self-awareness) and our excitable imaginations (pg. 28). This is what makes us unique, and really what the essence of the human spirit shares each with the other also, and makes us "we human beings". If that is included, I buy into it.
ReplyDeleteThis identity point - and how we choose to identify ourselves - was a HUGE point in this book and its argument for me. I must also say that Michael Brown's book The Presence Process was the first one that pounded me with the vital importance of this point. I have always based my identity on a tenaciously held view that I am unique, that no one else truly knows or understands me, that no one else could possibly know where I came from or what my life is like. That is, I now see, a very selfish, self-serving identify construct. It does the world no good whatsoever and ultimately does no good for me either to identify myself this way. It builds walls, divisions, and puffs me up somehow, as if my human value is based on my uniqueness. And I am not the only person who approaches identity this way. American society has become so utterly and heinously divided at least in part because of how we identify ourselves and talk about ourselves; ie I am an African American; I am a Chinese American; I am heterosexual; I am a democrat, etc. etc. etc. All of that group think, category identifying builds and emphasizes divisions. We should begin our individual and collective re-identifying saying, "I am a human being; I am an inhabitant of planet earth; I am a breather of air. My experience so far in doing so has made me more consciously aware of my connectedness rather than my distinctions, and that is a HUGE start on the path that DL talks about.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it is best to focus on the similarities of the "we humans" but I also think we need to honor the uniqueness of each human being. I think it is ok to idenify with a group as long as "my" group is no better than any other group- a very tough thing to do! I do agree with you Toby, that it is a very healthy thing to focus more on what makes us the same-ie-an inhabitant of the planet earth.
ReplyDeleteDo we "lose" anything by basing/focusing our identity on what we SHARE with everyone rather than on what makes us unique/different? (And I'm NOT advocating throwing out our individuality and uniqueness - just not overemphasizing it so much in how we identify and understand ourselves.) Thoughts?
ReplyDeleteI think we need a balance between the two-focusing on what we share- we share all the really important stuff-Nancy
ReplyDeleteI think we gain a lot by recognizing our shared humanity. A professor in college said that we all just want to be loved and respected. In over 20 years of human service work, I might change the words a tad, but the point is the same. We all just want love and respect.
ReplyDeleteNow what I NEED to feel love and respect may be very different from what you need to feel loved and respected. That is what tears up relationships. Our uniqueness requires a different response.
True-Julie- the basic needs are the same-how those needs get satisfied varies-nancy
ReplyDeleteI think about some of the "positive" messages I try and shower my daughter with at age four. I wonder if I am inadvertently contributing to a sort of overemphasis on her uniqueness and blessedness. Do I need to say more to her about other kids and what she shares with them?
ReplyDeleteJust last week I was thinking about what I carry around on my personal billboard. What would I write on it to identify myself? What would others write?
ReplyDeleteIf I were to become more transparent, some might be shocked by my own share of filth and muck, but others might feel a kindred humanity with one who is brave enough to be open.
Am I willing to pay the personal 'price' of authenticity?
Perhaps as DL says later, we are not taking enough time to nurture our inner selves also, I find some days I have barely given a thought to this, or to prayer
ReplyDeleteAgain Tobe- I think behavior is so important but I do think we have to be careful not to give our children the message that they are MORE special than anyone else-Nancy
ReplyDeleteooo, I like that Melanie. There is definitely something that happens when we "get real" and show our dirt to others. Maybe that's an untapped, underutilized way to develop shared humanity and identity.
ReplyDeleteToby, I was just reading Nurture Shock by Po Bronson last week and the first chapter was titled, "The Inverse Power of Praise."
ReplyDeleteIt has changed the way I praise and assure my two kiddos (well, at least for the past week!).
Yes, Nance, and I think I almost feel that my chief purpose IS to make Ella feel "better" than others - or at least incredibly good about herself...and that's a fine line to walk. Thanks
ReplyDeleteI like what bjaquity said about taking some time to nurture our inner selves. If I don't know what is driving my behavior, I can't even start to be authentic about it.
ReplyDeleteI like your idea to show connectedness to others when teaching children. All children (and adults too) need to see others have needs.
ReplyDeleteSomehow we have to let those that are dear to us know they are very special to us but that others have the same situation with their loved ones-Nancy
ReplyDeleteMelanie - can you give us an example of an "appropriate" form of child praise? I'm intrigued
ReplyDeleteI have been learning that praise that empowers someone, acknowledges that they behaved according to their own values, is more powerful that Atta-girl praise. If I always praise you for what is important to me, then you are unlikely to tell me when you do something you know I won't like. On the other hand, if I praise you for acting on your own goals, values, commitments, etc. then you will feel encouraged to keep going and you might be more willing to admit it when you miss the mark (which we all do).
ReplyDeleteSome days the only prayer I can squeeze off is that my children are safe and healthy, family healthy, and thanks for the food.
ReplyDeleteAlmost time to migrate one last time folks - over to 1D ...final thoughts here?
ReplyDeletethanks Toby for bringing us all together to talk about idea. I know that is something that is important to you and we benefit too!
ReplyDeleteToby, the first sentence in the chapter starts out with, "Sure, he's special. But new research shows if you tell him that, you'll ruin him."
ReplyDeleteThe chapter speaks to praising kids to the point of making them fear failure. One study showed two groups of kids who took a difficult test, but were afterwards either praised for a) how well they did or b) how hard they tried
The second half of the day, the kids were given a significantly more difficult test. The group of kids who were praised for being smart got frustrated and either cried or quit the test, but the group who was praised for effort worked as hard as they could, wanting to get praised for their effort again.
I still tell my kiddos that they are unique children of God, but I'm more careful about praising effort and not always accomplishment.
Time to be in 1D - are you guys there yet? Go now!
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